self and defence

do we need to defend our self to fend for ourselves? must we learn to keep ourselves protected to protect others from it? does the real danger in hurting oneself, lie in oneself entirely or do we need to maintain "distance" to go a "long way"?!

last night i had another encounter with the x-files. to some, it might just be a tv series, to others its much more than that - and its that plentiful of circumstancial "more" that brings me to a halt this morning. i just had a thought - why does it rain when i'm happy? or is it, "...i'm only happy when it rains?..." sounds from the past and notes for the future.

the coffee machine whistled away and the scent of a man lingered in the room. a man who got up this morning feeling rather blue, made coffee, put on his sunday best and walked to work with determination and a few bags. there's dust on the shelf so i take the duster in my hand and start to neurotically spread it around - are thoughts like dust? do we scatter it around temporarily and then when it piles up again, do we use a duster to make it alright again?! i have no wine, there's some nuts in a small jar up on the shelf. i should run to get some strawberries - perhaps gets some dessert too from the delicatessen downstairs. milles feuilles was your favourite - is still for all i know. a thousand layers - layers of the skin, the dermis, the epidermis etc etc... layers of the heart, unfolding, enclosing, hiding, protecting.

the door bell rings and you enter. once again i let you in my house, in my space.com and you invade with unerving ease. it almost irritates me that i let myself down once more. i wonder, is there a chance for a reunion? your hands seem dry again, perhaps you have been neglecting them, perhaps you have been neglected. you chain smoke, you seem agitated and that keeps me alert. the weather has never been discussed so much and i jump into the conversation with hunger - i pose questions, i suggest scenarios that would open up a whole new world. you seem to be lost, feeling guilty and empty but your face suggests nothing but defense. the phone rings, you watch tv, just like we used to do on a weekday. i take the call, almost in need of the sound of another voice. i think of what you said, i hear the calles voice and i watch tv like a hawk. i am dispersed in thoughts and thoughts are dispersed like dust. i forgot to clean the bathroom - i should have cleaned the bathroom. in a twist of irony (i still believe, someone up theres is laughing with me) you get up and move to the bathroom. i should have cleaned the bath tub. you take your jacket into the bedroom - just like we did then.

in a swift change of time, a sudden cold turn of clockworks i am back in the zone - the safety zone that you offered me. you would rise and hug me every morning, you'd call me about 200 times during the day, we would talk about the weekend and improvise on some everyday aspects. at night i would usually cook and you'd bring the wine. your jacket would hang on the door knob and you'd always take your shoes off, out on the balcony. you had a thing about the balcony - the terrace as you'd all it. in just seconds my world was turned and i was forced to leap in faith. with or without you. alone. together.

things are not what they seem. i let myself back into the hurt zone. do we ever learn? does a string of unfortunate events make us better people or just hurt people? when do we learn to keep ourselves sheltered from the menace? its like snow-white and cinderella? are they still trapped in the same fairytale or have they learned from their mistakes and managed to get out of it? have they abandoned the idea of a prince charming and have they taken a job? do they have anonymous casual sex and do they have a social security number?!

security is everything. safety. sensibility. insecurity is horror. self and others - where does the defining line begin? when do we become safe? when we rescue our self or when we allow others to save us?