untitled.31.03

"it takes a crane to build to build a crane...", "...it takes a thought to make a word and it takes some words to make an action.."

some rain and a few cigarettes later i made the call, it wasnt difficult to believe in rejection. the sound of your voice still manages to give me butterflies, i believe in eternity, in love, in good will. The city looked like a small hub of ladybugs, black ladybugs - from the roofs it looked like everybody was a busy ladybug and i was one stranger in the night. shame i hadnt thought of it earlier, the meaning of timing never seizes to amaze me. i smell pot, do people still smoke pot? i walk through the square and imagine all the sex that goes on in here - late night adventures with much action and few words. there's a sign for a lost puppy on a tree, suddenly there's many more around me. M once told me that puppies build their personalities according to our skills of parenthood. who would let go of this little angel and why wasnt he taken care of? his name is pete. the puppy. so if your dog is goes missing, you put a sign on a tree and you hope that someone is going to call you. if you loose your love do you wear a t-shirt with your cell number on it? do you hope? flowers blossom on hope, kids go to sleep on xmas eve night with hope, pregnant mothers hope.

so, you had dinner plans. you cannot cancel. you said if you had known earlier you would. i kinda fell for it again. i believed you and i hope that next time it will be me having dinner with you. perhaps. G had a date with S. N was seeing V and so on... i was walking home in the rain, my umbrella at hand and my thoughts making words. songs, perhaps tunes i have no recollection over today. glossy pavements and glittery lamp posts. the tress heavy with rain and shiny like crystal. i should get some take out - perhaps something heavy and oily. some ice-cream too, i have apple pie at home. i bake these days.

the keys in the door, clothes off and the dvd is playing. i cant seem to hear my thoughts, no words no more. can anybody out there feel me? cos i dont seem to feel myself. David just cheated on Mikey, no hope there either. perhaps they'll move to Portland. Mikey is leaving Pittsburg to be with him. David is my dream man. he reminds me of P. the rain is still orchrestrating a requiem out there. Debbie is giving Mikey a lesson on hope, Justin is out of the hospital. Pain is an everyday thing. Mikey is unsure of the move. why do we spent most of our adult lives looking for that special someone and when we find him we try to push him away. do we not know whats good for us or do we pretend to know for the sake of sanity.

i am dating a movie character. i cant seem to get enough of him. am i projecting emotions and feelings in an unsavoury attempt to live? my cigarette burns away, the bus lets people out and the ice in my coke melts away. David moves to Portland. Alone. where is Portland? Oregon, the state of fleeing and seeking. he seems dutifully driven.

ciao David.