afternoon hours

Amidst the clouds broke some sunshine. It was deliciously blessed and I was eager to explore it, to meddle with the eventuality of truth and extract myself from the real. Amidst the surreal and the real, I walked alone but not lonely and I felt the warmth of a man's breath on my neck. Recently, I discovered this new side of me, one that apparently provokes some sexuality and transmits some passion. In between breaks and cigarette stops, I seized the moment only to realise how lucky one is to be alive. A storm of pigeons flew over my head as the thunders and lightning emerged in the background. It was a quiet morning in the city, one that rarely sleeps yet seems to be fast asleep considering the events stirring around it. A seniors of friends passed by me, they were joking and saluting the change in weather, a sudden change at that - ladies wearing their scarfs around their heads, kids with jumpers, the temperature still at a high considering its still Spring. Spring comes when you least expect it, I am sitting here thinking how annoying change can be, yet how fruitful it has been for my life lately.

P. and I. are getting married in the summer and I am a part of it. I've lived parts of it through e-mails and phone calls, I've lived it through them. I have thought about them endlessly since that trip to London, I am stunned by their grandeur, their splendour and while all this sounds lyrical I am convinced they know what I mean. Troubled times lie ahead and I strongly recommend that we share them with someone. The seagulls scream loudly over my head and apparently fight over a piece of bread - the other birds, much smaller and more delicate, stand no chance at survival. They shall soon depart and remain hungry for the rest of the day. I wonder, is this world all about survival and is the weakest link the strongest opponent? Two youngsters on a motorbike erase my thoughts and march right by me to evoke some sentiment. Some girls giggle but I am under the distinct impression that the boys are in fact narrowminded and immature. The homeless guy at the bench sits lazily and predicts the weather, he wears a green raincoat that determines his knowledge and improves the scenery of his everyday life. Some pigeons battle over his breadcrumbs but he seems slightly unphased by the entire odyssey around him. I believe his eyes have seen much too much and I am willing to share that. D. comes to mind, he's young and yet to mature like a good cabernet merlot but still holds much inside. His disposition prevents him from opening up like a lotus flower and to evolve before his current beau. I fear he fears more than he knows. He knows less about his fears and I reckon he ought to let go of the past. But then again, who am I to suggest improvement? This new beau seems wonderful, he lights up when D. is in the room and I believe there is nothing slightly more important than that. I saw it the other day - in the eyes of a beau stranger, he looked deep into my eyes, like no one else has ever done before. The scent of a man drives me crazy, the scent of this man drove me nuts. Suddenly I realise I stopped walking, I thought of my brief walk with T. last night - in the rain, two friends, a short conversation. T is wonderfuly ignorant of his power even though he suggests differently in person. I stop and light a cigarette, I smoked last night too but right now I am reminiscing.

An old lady walks by, she smiles delicately at the dog of the guy standing next to me and waves her hair. A town full of people, full of stories and suggestive of the past and the future. I am writing this listening to the soundtrack of "Requiem for a dream" and I am amazed at the speed of my fingers. I could be that little girl in the movie, who wears the red shoes and dances till her feet bleed. Its amazing that something you wish for can be so devastating at times. The other night, N. told me about falling stars, we layed by the seafront, totally stripped of guilt but extremely conscious of our present. I saw a falling star and I pointed it out to him - suggesting that he should make a wish. He did not discourage my dream, my romantic attitude - instead he informed me of his realistic opinion and touched my hand briefly. Falling stars and wishes are for the present, you desire something or someone and yet when it comes to you, you hunt down something else. At any given time one can request something, the moment is different and completely ignorant of the future therefore not liable for any damage. "Wishes are a beautiful thing..." I comment, yes true they are, in fact something to keep us alive. However, its the relativity of the moment that makes them relative and precious as opposed to their somewhat random placement or value in the future. I support our conversation with more food for thought and we surrender into the darkness.

Far away some brakes screech and I wake up from this autumn delirium. I start walking again, a song chymes in my ear through my ipod and I feel secure in the clarity of mind. Finally.